What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I never cut or harmed myself..

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

I was 9 years of age.

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When she asked me how she looked .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

This is soul school!.

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I write beautiful poetry .

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

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My life is so biszare .

She married twice! .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Why are there so many single moms in America?

Why did i forgive my father ?

Where the ultimate outsiders.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

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I will be 64.

But, we were locked up after school.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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Im dying but, im not bitter.

Would this be the day?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

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One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Was to survive, this bastard.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Im still living with it.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

And i lived it daily.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

What did i know ?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

One cannot live in the past .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I was seconnd youngest,

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

She loved him until the end.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I could never make a relationship work though!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I have no regrets .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I was very sick at this time too.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

All the time i was locked up.

She wouldn,t have been !

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I said to her

Comes on , in middle age.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

So whats the point in blame.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Put me off passion for life!!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

She was in good health!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I think the readers, may guess!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

We all went to grammer schools

He knew the spot.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

But it wasn’t much.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

As i do to all so called friends.?

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I was scared of men, in general

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

So, i spoilt her more .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

He resisted the act ,that day.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She found it foreign!.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Especially a lifetime of it.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I don,t even have a pension.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

My family never makes their pension either.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

We were not on the streets..

I waited trembling.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

I couldn’t, believe it.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Ive learnt so much.

It was going to be , some day.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Who then, do I blame.?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

The only rule us 5 kids had .